Car juice is expensive, so I think I’ll vote for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party
Hello, it’s me, the average American voter. We’re living in a tumultuous time. Rights are being taken away, leopards are eating people’s faces left and right, but most importantly, the liquid that I put into my car is no longer cheap. It’s expensive. And that’s why this November, I plan on voting for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Listen, under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn’t be voting for the Leopards. Personally, I’m not in favor of leopards eating people’s faces. I think every person in this country should have the right to have their face go uneaten by leopards. But here’s the thing: car juice is expensive now. Our last president was a Leopard, and car juice was cheap then! But now that we have an anti-Leopard president, the price of car juice has skyrocketed. And personally, I think it’s worth a few people’s faces getting eaten by leopards if I don’t have pay as much money for car juice.
The Anti-Leopard Party is making a big deal about this election. “Keep us in power,” they say, “because the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party wants leopards to eat people’s faces, and we don’t.” And yes, the Leopard-controlled Supreme Court did recently rule in a 6–3 decision to let leopards eat people’s faces. But here’s the thing: I bet I could outrun a leopard. And I could definitely get away from a leopard in my car, so long as I can afford the car juice. Studies show women and minorities are the main victims of face-eating leopards. But I’m not a woman or a minority: I’m someone who wants cheaper car juice. And personally, I feel that the Anti-Leopard Party is not doing enough to cater to my needs.
On the other hand, the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party is promising that they will cheapen the car juice! Yes, they’re also promising to let leopards eat people’s faces, but I’m pretty sure my face won’t get eaten! Also, do we really know that they’ll actually let leopards eat people’s faces? Maybe they’re just saying that to appeal to the hardcore pro-leopard crowd. Sure, states where the LEPFP is in power have a much higher rate of leopards eating people’s faces than in solidly Anti-Leopard states, but honestly, how much harm could they do? And really, what’s more important: having an intact face, or having cheap car juice? I rest my case.
You might be wondering: what exactly will the LEPFP do to reduce the price of car juice? In fact, wasn’t the price of car juice just low before due to economic pressures mostly outside the president’s control, and isn’t car juice now expensive also due to economic pressures mostly outside the president’s control? The answer to those questions is shut up. You sound like a nerd. I’m not an economist. But I believe the Leopards when they say that they will reduce the price of car juice, and they won’t eat MY face! Would they eat the faces of people I care about? I doubt it. The people I care about aren’t the type of people who get their faces eaten by leopards, probably.
I voted for the Anti-Leopards in 2020 because I didn’t like seeing people’s faces getting eaten by leopards. But now? I’m starting to regret that vote. Because car juice is expensive. And if a few faces have to get eaten by leopards to make car juice less expensive, then I guess I’m on team leopard.
